In an advisory that reads like a dystopian twist on Willy Wonka, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has issued a stern warning against consuming Diamond Shruumz microdosing chocolate bars due to reports of severe symptoms. Consumers are advised that these whimsical-sounding treats might land them not on a magical mushroom trip, but rather in the ER.

The FDA's alert comes after reports of various distressing symptoms piled up faster than you can say “golden ticket.” Victims have experienced seizures, central nervous system depression, agitation, abnormal heart rates, hyper/hypotension, nausea, and vomiting. Though there's no official suggestion yet that the bars can double as a chaos-inducing party favor, one could be forgiven for making that leap.

So far, six out of the eight individuals affected by these bars have required hospitalization. According to the Banner Poison and Drug Information Center, some of the victims had to be intubated—a level of severity you’d more likely expect from botched rocket launches than from chocolate bar consumption.

The FDA, never one to overlook a good mystery, is currently working like sleuths in a medical drama to determine the cause of these illnesses. The bars are made with what Diamond Shruumz boasts as a "proprietary nootropics blend," which, in the light of these incidents, sounds like the rubric for ‘You Should Probably Get a Second Opinion.’

It's not just adults who might fall prey to these insidious bars. Given their candy-like marketing, the FDA emphasized the potential risk to children and teenagers, whose idea of adventure doesn’t usually involve critical care scenarios. The victims span several states, adding a nationwide flavor to this chocolatier’s escapade—two from Indiana, one from Nevada, one from Pennsylvania, and four from Arizona, to be exact.

The walking wounded (temporary intubation notwithstanding) have miraculously managed to avoid death thus far, though many might pause before embarking on another nootropics-induced escapade. Diamond Shruumz, in the meantime, maintains that their products do not contain psilocybin or any scheduled drugs, a claim that may need revisiting if symptoms continue to morph from colorful to critical.

The FDA didn't waste any time, releasing their warning on June 7. This has galvanized the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) among other bodies, who are collaborating with America's Poison Centers, as well as state and local partners, to piece together this gastro-medical jigsaw. Perhaps the solution lies in ensuring that nootropics don’t end up masquerading as mere confectionery.

In the end, cravings may have to be quelled by less adventurous means, and for now, a safe bet would be sticking to old-fashioned, non-poisonous treats. No deaths have been reported so far, but make no mistake—this is one microdosing adventure that nobody was asking for.