Barstool Sports founder Dave Portnoy traded pizza reviews for panic, requiring a Coast Guard rescue after his powerless boat drifted off Nantucket, leaving him vowing to rethink future nautical adventures.

Portnoy's ill-fated nautical escapade began when his boat, lacking power, radio, or even an anchor, succumbed to heavy winds, leaving him stranded with only a faulty flare gun for solace. Accompanied by his mother, Portnoy’s hopes floated until a good Samaritan in a rowboat miraculously appeared and radioed for help. With the Coast Guard fortuitously nearby for exercises, Portnoy and his mother were swiftly towed to safety. As a complete sea novice, Portnoy humorously declared that his next maritime adventure might be far off in the horizon.

The incident unfolded off the picturesque coast of Nantucket, a locale known for its maritime charm rather than maritime mishaps. Dave Portnoy, founder of Barstool Sports and notable for his humorous yet no-nonsense approach to pizza reviews, found himself in a rather unsavory situation when his boat lost power. To add to the calamity, the vessel also lacked a radio and an anchor, critical equipment for any seafaring escapade. Heavy winds only worsened the situation, causing the boat to drift further out to sea.

Accompanying Portnoy was none other than his mother, who likely didn’t sign up for such an adrenaline-packed adventure. Despite the dire circumstances, Portnoy attempted to attract help using a flare gun. Unfortunately, the device failed to provide immediate relief, leaving Portnoy and his mother adrift and anxious.

A surprising turn of events came when a woman in a rowboat spotted the distressed duo. Clearly prepared for more than a casual row, she boarded Portnoy’s crippled vessel and used her VHF radio to call the Coast Guard. It was a classic case of good Samaritans in small boats doing great things—an unsung hero moment if there ever was one.

As luck would have it, the Coast Guard was already in the vicinity, conducting training exercises. Responding promptly to the emergency call, the team arrived at the scene ready to assist. The 28-foot boat, which had now become an unwilling participant in an impromptu rescue drill, was promptly towed back to the harbor.

Reflecting on the experience with his trademark humor, Portnoy quipped that he might refrain from any future nautical ventures. 'I might never go on a boat again after this,' he joked. Although it’s hard to imagine the outspoken sports and media mogul being easily deterred, the harrowing experience undoubtedly left its mark.

Portnoy praised the Coast Guard for their swift and professional response, even rating their rescue efforts in a manner akin to his famous pizza reviews. Here’s hoping they scored higher than a subpar slice from an uninspired pizzeria. Portnoy’s gratitude was evident as he acknowledged his own limitations and the value of preparedness.

In a twist of irony, Portnoy revealed that a sign reading 'Don't Give Up The Ship' played a vital role in keeping his spirits afloat, preventing him from contemplating a swim for shore. This piece of naval encouragement proved to be both literal and figurative, offering Portnoy a semblance of hope in an otherwise bleak situation.

This wasn’t Portnoy’s first encounter with an unforeseen challenge. His boat losing power and drifting off the coast of Nantucket certainly was a tense situation, but Portnoy and his mother were rescued relatively quickly. Portnoy later joked that he might never go on a boat again after this experience.

The Coast Guard lauded Portnoy for attempting to use distress signals but refrained from commenting on the readiness of a VHF radio. Such an incident underscores the importance of preparedness at sea, offering an illustrative case of unexpected challenges that can arise even for a well-known pizza reviewer.

As Portnoy and his mother finally set foot back on dry land, it was clear that this unexpected aquatic adventure would remain etched in their memories for years to come. One can only imagine the conversations around their next family dinner—hopefully held far away from any body of water larger than a swimming pool. For now, it looks like the boating community will have to wait a little longer for another visit from the pizza maven turned maritime misadventurer.