In a plot twist that could only be rivaled by a Lifetime movie, Oregon man Robert Cole Parmalee pleaded guilty to stalking Paige Bueckers, showing up near an airport with an engagement ring and lingerie in hand.

Parmalee, 40, recently acknowledged his unusual approach to romance, which included frequent social media messages, and a heartwarming-but-inappropriate rendezvous at Bradley International Airport, complete with bridal accessories. With a protective order in place until 2064 and a one-year suspended sentence followed by three years of probation, Parmalee is now barred from entering Connecticut and attending any UConn women's basketball games—much to the relief of both Bueckers and local fans looking for a drama-free season.

In case you were wondering, showing up at an airport with an engagement ring and lingerie is generally not considered the hallmark of a healthy romantic pursuit. Nevertheless, Parmalee's intentions were presumably noble, as he publicly declared his desire to marry the young athlete, despite her lack of enthusiasm for the engagement proposal. According to reports, Bueckers never responded to Parmalee's numerous attempts to initiate a connection, which might be a polite way of saying she was very much uninterested in his advances.

Parmalee’s creative methods of courtship leaned heavily on social media, where he reportedly showered Bueckers with videos and, in a shocking twist, some threatening messages. In the ever-evolving landscape of modern romance, it appears that his 'love language' could use a serious update. While most just opt for a direct message on social media or a coffee date, Parmalee seemed to believe that escalating one's admiration into the realm of stalker-like behavior was an acceptable strategy to win hearts—perhaps he missed a few crucial steps in the dating manual.

As any tenured romance expert would tell you, if someone does not respond to your initial contact attempts, it might be time to gracefully back off. But Parmalee took this to quite a different level. Not only was he persistent, he was dramatic—going so far as to create a TikTok video where he lamented that he would prefer death over a life without Bueckers. These might be strong feelings, but they are hardly the stuff of Cupid's arrows.

The fallout from Parmalee's bizarre pursuit has now set the stage for an extended timeout. The protective order against him is in effect until January 4, 2064—a period longer than most good-for-you New Year's resolutions last. Even in the realm of fan culture, one should probably avoid making 'cringeworthy' the new normal.

Adding a layer of absurdity, Parmalee was not just banned from approaching Bueckers, but he's also barred from attending any UConn women’s basketball events—a minor setback for someone claiming to be a super fan. It seems like after this episode, Parmalee’s sports fandom will have to be exercised exclusively from afar, possibly on his couch, where no one can hear his unsolicited opinions on plays or interactions down on the court.

The legal repercussions, while seemingly lenient in this case, effectively serve to remind one that stalking is not just an odd passion; it’s a crime. Parmalee’s one-year suspended sentence and probation reflect a society that continues to grapple with the boundaries of fervent admiration and the acts that can drift dangerously into obsession. We’re left to wonder how he plans to spend those three years in probation doing meaningful life introspection—perhaps by anonymously showering another athlete with heartfelt yet unwanted gifts from afar.

In the end, there’s a lesson nestled within this unfortunate saga: while loving athletes from near or far requires a certain degree of commitment, stalking them via social media and showing up at airports with matrimonial intentions is where Parmalee’s actions crossed a serious line. Perhaps it’s best for Parmalee to reconsider his approach to relationships. After all, winning someone’s heart is often best done through genuine interest and respect.