Brandon Russell, the neo-Nazi mastermind and Florida's least popular ex-girlfriend enthusiast, was convicted of conspiring to turn Maryland's power grid into a chaotic canvas of sniper fire and sinister schemes.

In a plot so absurd it sounds like the script for a low-budget horror movie, Brandon Russell has been found guilty of conspiring to unleash sniper mayhem on Maryland's power grid. As the co-founder of a neo-Nazi group, Russell’s electrifying ambitions have landed him back in hot water, proving once again that some people really need to work on their social skills—and maybe invest in a hobby that doesn't involve attempting to disrupt the lives of others.

The jury took less than an hour to deliberate before finding Russell guilty of conspiracy to damage an energy facility. In a move that redefines "strike while the iron is hot," this decision was made with all the urgency of a late-night infomercial sales pitch. One can imagine the jurors discussing the case: 'Is this true? Are we really doing this? Let's just get lunch already.'

Russell's nefarious plans included orchestrating sniper attacks on electrical substations, presumably while he sat back and watched—possibly with a bag of microwave popcorn. It becomes clear that he and his ex-girlfriend, Sarah Beth Clendaniel, had a unique idea of romance that involved plotting chaos for a majority-Black city. Common dating advice usually warns to avoid crisis situations; did nobody tell them this was taking it too far?

The couple was apprehended in February 2023, likely after someone mistook their Telegram chats for a misguided reality show. Clendaniel, in a plot twist that only deepens the horror of this narrative, had developed a relationship with Russell while he was already incarcerated. Apparently, love can blossom in the unlikeliest of places—like prison—though the product of that love turned out to be 18 years of heavy security on Valentine’s Day.

Russell’s colorful history certainly laid the groundwork for this case, as he cut his teeth with Atomwaffen Division, a neo-Nazi group that specializes in disturbing public peace by wielding a fair amount of explosive know-how. He previously spent time flirting with law enforcement due to a double homicide in Florida back in 2017, where his presence was noted, though let’s hope not as a dinner guest.

Prosecutors didn’t just rely on circumstantial evidence to make their case. They brought a confidential informant—yes, everyone’s favorite 'tell-all' character—to testify against Russell, revealing just how deeply his dark ideas took root within his social circles. This era of digital communication may have been Russell's downfall; Telegram isn't exactly known for its discretion.

Defense attorney Ian Goldstein tried to put a positive spin on Russell's dark ambitions, arguing he was merely a 'cheerleader' for the ideology. One can only imagine how that pep rally would have played out: 'Two, four, six, eight! Let’s ruin the power grid—it’ll be great!' The jury seemed unconvinced of his sideline stance, concluding that they were, in fact, not at a sporting event.

In addition to his recent troubles, Russell has previous convictions that sprinkle an extra layer of irony on his story. This includes a prior five-year sentence for possession of an unregistered destructive device and improper storage of explosives, a collection that could make any DIY enthusiast shudder. It's worth noting that he was likely given that sentence after giving a speech at his own sentencing about the dangers of unwanted electrical discharge.

While Russell’s previous escapades left incarceration as his primary locale, it seems he wasn't the only one ready for a jailhouse romance. Clendaniel pleaded guilty for her own role in the plot and, like a couple that bucks societal norms in the worst of fashions, received 18 years in prison. As they say, the couple that conspires together… spends an exceedingly long time apart. It certainly puts a new spin on the idea of shared interests.

With sentences delivered, the hope for this colossal failure in judgment is that Russell and Clendaniel will inspire a new wave of would-be conspirators to rethink their life choices—if not for the sake of morality, then perhaps for the sake of better hobbies. One couldn't help but think that watching paint dry may have been a more engaging and productive use of their time.