As President Trump undergoes his first annual physical of his second term at Walter Reed, he confidently claims to have 'never felt better'—just days after narrowly escaping an earful of trouble in July's assassination attempt.

At 78 years old, Trump’s self-proclaimed vitality comes as both a surprise and an inspiration, especially after an assassination attempt left him with more than just a sore ear. With his first physical since previous years' health queries—where cholesterol made him a trending topic—Trump’s annual checks have become almost as anticipated as his tweets. As he preps for nearly five hours of tests, the public is left wondering if 'excellent' health can ever be measured by a guy who claims to take aspirin for fun.

Despite the gravity of the circumstances—and the occasional comment on his weight from health experts—Trump's unwavering optimism keeps him buoyant. He reportedly expressed confidence, stating he has 'never felt better,' which sounds encouraging for someone whose last health update was a bit of a cliffhanger, featuring the words 'overweight' and 'high cholesterol.' Yet, here he is, ready to tackle his physical like most tackle a buffet: with enthusiasm bordering on reckless abandon.

This physical is particularly noteworthy, not just because it’s the first of his second term in office but also because it is scheduled to last approximately four hours and 45 minutes. Instead, he will be the subject of meticulous scrutiny, likely wearing one of those hospital gowns that leave little to the imagination.

Of course, the last time the public saw detailed information about his health was in 2018 when his cholesterol levels weren’t exactly winning any accolades. The public has noted that since then, they've had about as much insight into Trump's health as they do about his dietary choices—full of mystery, suspense, and the occasional heartburn, courtesy of his diet of fast food and perhaps the odd share of sugar-free cake.

Although detailed health reports have been sparse since 2018, Ronny Jackson—Trump's former physician—has recently warmed the public’s collective heart, stating after the assassination attempt that Trump is doing 'extremely well.' This raises a few questions. Is he truly thriving, or did Jackson just manage to slip into the realm of optimistic journalism? After all, being shot in the ear could lead to a unique perspective on health; it might even inspire one to appreciate how good it feels to breathe without a bandage over one’s face.

Historically, Trump has also faced several health hurdles, including a COVID-19 hospitalization where supplemental oxygen was involved—something that might, in another universe, encourage a more health-conscious behavior. But not our former reality TV star. Instead, he continues to rattle off the mantra of wellness with the zeal of a fitness influencer, all while tossing in his trusty aspirin as though it’s a magic potion blending health and longevity.

As he embarks on this latest physical adventure, the examination promises to cover crucial metrics like vital signs, heart rhythms, and lung health—hopefully, all coming back with scores better than that of a C average in gym class. With previous reports indicating that Trump weighed in at a meaty 244 pounds and boasted a blood pressure of 121 over 79, expectations are set to see if those numbers still hold—preferably without sending Twitter into a frenzy.

Expectations run high for this evaluation, especially since a private letter from Trump’s physician in prior years described his health as 'excellent' along with a revelation that his cognitive test results were 'exceptional.' Exceptional might be a strong word, though, considering it's like praising an otter's ability to juggle when it just happens to hold a rock. Can we lap around Trump’s past claims of health and come out with a consistently good report? Only time—and perhaps this physical—will tell.

As he undergoes various advanced tests today, fans and critics alike await the outcome with bated breath. Will his numbers reflect more than just a side of fries? Perhaps this annual examination will finally unveil the secret formula behind Trump’s vigor—be it McDonald’s fries, a dash of showbiz flair, or a mystical agreement with the passage of time. And as always, it may simply reinforce that like his political career, ambiguity is par for the course when it comes to President Trump’s health.

As the four-hour and 45-minute countdown begins, the nation can only hope that those assisting him have indeed signed up for what might feel like a medical marathon. Maybe he’ll even emerge with a new slogan: 'Feel Better America,' followed by a campaign to ensure people age as ideally as he imagines he does. The bar is set, now we wait for the results that may or may not outshine the hospital cafeteria's meatloaf.