In a spectacle reminiscent of a soap opera, white smoke erupted over the Sistine Chapel, signaling that the cardinals have finally agreed on a new pope after just two days of intense voting drama.

With 133 cardinals locked in a high-stakes contest that could only be rivaled by reality TV eliminations, the conclave wrapped up in record time—just two days! The swift decision not only thrilled the tens of thousands gathered in St. Peter’s Square but also set the stage for a new pontiff whose identity will soon be revealed, assuming he can pick a name that doesn’t confuse the faithful—or the press.

The conclave kicked off on May 7, 2025, amid an atmosphere thicker than a Sunday brunch with mimosas. Initially, hopes were dashed when the first round of voting produced black smoke, an ominous sign that cardinals were still out to lunch—metaphorically, of course. However, the second day brought more decisive action, much to the relief of those in a square brimming with anxious spectators, all hoping for the joyous signal of white smoke to grace the heavens.

Witnesses described the moment as akin to a festive gathering where everyone waiting for the announcement behaved as if they were at a surprise birthday party, nervously checking their watches. When the white smoke finally billowed upwards, jubilant cheers erupted like confetti cannons in St. Peter's Square, where spectators had been doing their very best not to anticipate yet still maintaining high hopes of a quick resolution to the papal puzzle.

As the cardinals engaged in lively discussions, strategizing not merely over tea and crackers but the weighty matters of faith and leadership, the pressure grew. Past conclaves have shown that quick resolutions can occur; however, this conclave concluded on the second day of voting.

Picking up a new name is a task that combines creativity with restraint. The new pope will have to adopt a papal name, a decision equally grave and festive, like choosing a name for your child only with much more at stake. One can only wonder how many times the name 'Francis' will be suggested and the head shakes that will follow. That said, traditions do allow creativity, so a cardinal with a proclivity for obscure rabbit holes might draw on forgotten saints as inspiration.

Official announcements aside, there's still the question of how to address the new pope. Whether he opts for 'Your Holiness' or something more contemporary like 'Coach,' remains a mystery that will likely keep theologians and the curious public alike pondering late into the evening. The newly minted pope can expect an adjustment period; however, he must accept the role firmly, lest the Vatican officials suffer simultaneous heart palpitations.

With the conclave now officially wrapped up, the question arises: how does one follow the pomp and circumstance of an election such as this? Not only do cardinals need to pull together in prayer, but they’re grappling with the modern pressures of social media and public opinion—a delightfully ruthless cocktail of opinions. Imagine trying to read the room with an audience of millions, all eager for their moment of divine commentary at a mere tweet’s notice.

Only time will tell how this new shepherd will tend to his flock. For now, onlookers and the faithful alike will continue to anticipate the day's events, hoping for unison in thought, faith, and perhaps a well-timed tweet from the Vatican’s public relations team. Until then, it appears the heart of the church remains alive, well, and full of possibilities—like any fine Italian cuisine.