In a bold move that could make even Sherlock Holmes raise an eyebrow, Trump has launched an investigation into Biden's alleged use of autopen signatures—because clearly, the real scandal in America is all about pens.

Trump's investigation, which he deems one of the most concerning scandals in American history, aims to uncover if Biden's aides have conspired to mislead the public about the president's mental fitness by using autopen signatures. While Biden firmly defends his mental acuity amidst his cancer diagnosis, Trump's hypocrisy shines as he, too, has wielded the autopen for his own trivial purposes, making this investigation feel less like a quest for truth and more like a dramatic sketch in the ongoing circus of American politics.

According to sources familiar with the matter, this investigation is somehow being orchestrated in harmony with ongoing inquiries at the Justice Department and a House committee. One has to wonder if they were just looking for a third act twist to keep the audience engaged, or if they had genuinely run out of more pressing issues to distract themselves from. Meanwhile, Representative James Comer is reportedly probing Biden's aides regarding the president's mental fitness—an investigation that could become a companion piece to the classic tragedy of the commons.

The central question seems to be whether Biden's use of the autopen—an instrument of modern governance—constitutes an 'unconstitutional wielding of presidential power.' In what must be a relief for any struggling autopen-makers out there, this technology has been legally recognized as valid for decades, according to the DOJ. This does throw a bit of a wrench in the investigation; shall we concern ourselves with the act of signing, or with the age-old existential question, 'What is the essence of a signature?' Or perhaps only a centuries-old typewriter was worthy enough to capture the authenticity of one's thoughts.

Despite the backdrop of this signature sleuthing drama, Biden maintains that he is 'mentally fit.' He dismissed the allegations about cognitive decline in what could be interpreted as a noble act of defiance. What better way to prove your capacity to lead than to reassure America while simultaneously revealing your recent prostate cancer diagnosis? It seems like he's attempting to juggle both political rhetoric and health updates—a two-for-one special that doesn't often appear on the political docket.

Nevertheless, Trump continues to insist that there is an unfair discrepancy between his treatment—specifically regarding classified documents—and that of Biden. Those documents may have been classified, but it appears the art of signing with flair might hold more value in this inquiry. Perhaps it's less about constitutional legality and more about who can sign off faster than their opponent in the well-defined race for public approval.

And it doesn't stop there. The investigation may potentially expand to include Biden's pardons during his last days in office. Trump claims that Biden using autopen for executive actions constitutes an unconstitutional wielding of presidential power—a theater and signature scandal rolled into one.

The undercurrent of accusations indicating that Biden's administration has limited his access to Cabinet secretaries could also add an interesting twist to the narrative. Is there truth to the idea that aides are controlling executive actions during the president's absence? Or is it simply the latest chapter in a perplexing saga of how much control a president truly wields—or does not—in the office these days? The truth may boil down to nothing more than a misunderstanding of basic office protocol.

As this investigation unfolds, one can't help but smile at the absurdity. While common folks are tasked with tackling issues like inflation or finding a decent parking spot, it appears our leaders prefer to pen their way through quandaries about the legitimacy of signatures. Trump ordered an investigation into Biden's alleged use of autopen signatures to conceal cognitive decline, claiming that using autopen for executive actions constitutes an unconstitutional wielding of presidential power.

As the clock ticks and the 2024 election approaches, this investigation might just keep the public riveted. While some tune in for the spectacle, others might find solace in the distraction. Surely, there is a great farce unfolding, highlighting the juxtaposition of presidential duties against the mysteries of an autopen. At the very least, it lends a new meaning to the phrase 'letters of the law.'