In a celebration that combined military might with a birthday bash, President Trump marked his 79th with a grand Army parade, as thousands waved flags, cheered, and prepared for threats from both the skies and protestors.

The parade, which doubled as a festivity for Trump's 79th birthday and the U.S. Army's 250th anniversary, saw attendees clad in red, white, and blue reveling in military displays, from flyovers to paratroopers, all while facing threats of thunderstorms and anti-Trump protests. Despite the critics dubbing it a 'military vanity show', the event showcased an impressive turnout of 6,600 troops, 150 Army vehicles, and a hefty dollop of birthday patriotic pride, potentially proving that the only thing more turbulent than the weather might just be the political climate.

From the Lincoln Memorial to the Washington Monument, the parade route was lined with enthusiastic flag-wavers and self-appointed flag fashionistas. Many of these attendees had traveled from across the United States, and a few even appeared to have confused their celebratory garments for a Fourth of July fashion show. Regardless, a strong sense of unity filled the air, along with a few hotdogs, as chants of 'U-S-A!' echoed throughout the streets, celebrating not only Flag Day but also a particular birthday that coincidentally happened to belong to the Commander in Chief.

Amid such a jubilant atmosphere, the day also featured a breathtaking display of military prowess, with the Army's Golden Knights Parachute Team thrilled to drop in from above. As the Freefall experts glided through the air, even the storm clouds seemed to take a momentary break from their scheduled participation. Meanwhile, WWII Jeeps rolled by, putting on a nostalgic performance that made many spectators feel inexplicably drawn to Pinterest boards dedicated to vintage military memorabilia. It was basically like an episode of 'Antiques Roadshow,' if 'Antiques Roadshow' featured a marching band and threats of severe weather.

In his speech, Trump highlighted the Army's longstanding legacy while giving a nod to heroes of yesteryear. He recounted key battles, perhaps hoping to use history as a means to distract from the dampening number of critics who labeled the parade a publicity stunt that should've been postponed for a rainy day. Still, his supporters were hard to dissuade, finding joy in the spectacle and likely seeing it as a personal birthday gift to the man they still fervently believe fights the good fight for American values.

Security, however, was tighter than your average gym goer in a pair of freshly purchased spandex. Attendees had to endure metal detector checks worthy of a high-stakes spy novel, with the Secret Service keeping a watchful eye on the festivities. Protests lingered at the fringe of the parade, offering a stark contrast to the parade's jubilant center. Trump himself addressed the potential for any raucous dissenters, playfully warning that any intention to disrupt would face a 'very heavy force.' What do you think he meant? Overzealous bouncers? A marching band cannon? Perhaps an armed division of retired security guards, eager to reclaim their youthful vigor?

Despite the critics deeming it a 'military vanity show,' one young Army officer felt otherwise, presenting Trump with a U.S. flag that paraded over the Capitol earlier that day. The moment sparked its own mini-celebration, as if bestowing a birthday cake on the celebrant, minus the flashing birthday candles or the risk of accidental frosting mishaps. But with such festivities attractivly draped in the U.S. flag, the celebration soared to new heights – both literally and figuratively.

As the parade wound down, roads reopened, and fireworks were lit in celebratory fervor, those who gathered within the safety of the event sensed a camaraderie that surpassed the political rifts that often divided them. Critics and supporters alike could agree on one thing: The U.S. Army's 250th birthday, paired with Trump’s 79th birthday, presented a sight rarely seen – a sprinkling of military pride, exuberance, and perhaps for a moment, a sense of shared purpose. Here's to the next 250 years…or, at least until the next anniversary of the Parachute Team.