As temperatures in the eastern U.S. inch towards a sizzling 100 degrees, extreme heat warnings blanket over 150 million Americans, prompting cities like New York and D.C. to consider turning their sidewalks into griddles.

With a heat wave gripping the eastern U.S. and temperatures spiking 15 to 20 degrees above average, officials warn that the sizzling pavement could soon be more reliable than most home kitchens. As record highs and nighttime lows in the 70s leave residents in a sweaty stupor, cities scramble to prevent heat-related emergencies while power outages add to the summer woes. If you thought summer was all about BBQs and beach trips, think again—this season may just be about slathering sunscreen on your driveway.

This extreme heat phenomenon, affectionately dubbed a 'heat dome,' is causing major discomfort as it settles over major cities such as Washington D.C., New York City, and Philadelphia. Residents are now facing temperatures that could easily make their air conditioners weep in despair, with some finding themselves questioning if it’s time to invest in a personal sauna instead of a cooling unit.

The impact is already being felt as emergency rooms report an unwelcome surge of heat-related illnesses. According to local health officials, patients are arriving with complaints ranging from heat exhaustion to full-fledged meltdowns—emotional and literal, as people test the limits of human endurance against the sun's relentless rays. Hospitals across the eastern seaboard are preparing to hand out heatstroke survival kits alongside the usual magazines and jello.

Adding to the cozy atmosphere of summer’s swelter are power outages—yes, New York, the city that never sleeps is having trouble staying awake thanks to the excessive heat. Thousands of customers have found themselves in the dark, pondering existential questions about the nature of modern life while fanning themselves with takeout menus.

Con Edison has stepped in with a gentle reminder: 'Please conserve energy during peak hours.' Apparently, their strategy to keep the grid from collapsing involves reminding everyone that it’s not just electric bills keeping one awake at night; it's also the oppressive heat pressing down while trying to avoid turning your home into an oven.

Experts warn that this might not be just a mild fling with the heat; instead, it could be the first of several summer heat waves. Forecasting what's in store for the next few months, meteorologists could easily trade their degrees in atmospheric science for titles like 'climate doom prophet'.

In a rather unfortunate twist, the lack of recovery temperatures at night is intensifying the discomfort. Sleeping with the windows open is no longer a romantic notion but a desperate plea to find relief. With nighttime lows lingering in the sultry 70s, one might as well sleep on the floor of a sauna for the sake of authenticity.

As residents embark on this grim adventure known as summer, the silver lining might lie in the fact that everyone is on the same sweaty page. EMP studies suggest social cohesion tends to increase as bonding over shared misery becomes the norm. Those who complain about the heat together, cry together—or at least commiserate over icy beverages.

For now, those living in areas under an extreme heat advisory should take heed and remember that while summer brings warmth and bright days, it can also turn your dreams of sunny picnics into desperate searches for air conditioning. Perhaps, this summer, the ice cream truck should consider adding portable air conditioning units to its billing—that's an entrepreneurial idea worth cooling off over.

So as the East Coast redefines summer and truly embraces the 'hot yoga' trend, residents can take comfort knowing that together, they are swimming through a collective sweaty ordeal. As long as there’s ice in the freezer, sunscreen on the skin, and a neighborhood watch on the lookout for any sign of fainting from exposure, they might just survive the season’s fiery embrace.