In a bizarre beach day incident, a lifeguard at Asbury Park was impaled by a 6-foot umbrella, prompting local firefighters to channel their inner lumberjacks with a bandsaw to save her.

The unexpected beach disaster at Asbury Park's 3rd Avenue Beach this morning left a female lifeguard with a 6-foot umbrella piercing through her shoulder, illustrating that even a day of fun in the sun can take a turn for the surreal. While she managed to stay conscious and alert throughout the ordeal, local authorities are investigating how the umbrella took flight—just another reminder to properly secure those beach stakes to avoid becoming a human shish kebab.

The incident unfolded around 9:30 a.m., when the unfortunate lifeguard found herself caught in the crosshairs of an airborne umbrella. While most people go to the beach seeking sun and sand, she ended up with an unexpected attachment to her body. Friends and colleagues quickly came to her aid, attending to her injuries before the professionals arrived. Kudos to the lifeguards for showing a commendable mix of heroism and first aid skills, even while likely suppressing their disbelief that an umbrella could be so life-threatening.

As detailed in the post-incident reports, the umbrella had an impressive vertical reach of approximately 6 feet. It plays into the rumors that these beach accessories might be planning a revolt against their owners. When it came to treatment, it was not simply a matter of removing the umbrella in one swift motion. No, instead, fire crews turned to a bandsaw, a choice which adds a certain chainsaw massacre vibe to beach safety. The sound of cutting through the umbrella must've blended seamlessly with the crashing waves—unless, of course, someone was attempting to relax with a good book.

The lifeguard was transported to Jersey Shore Medical Center, where she was treated for injuries sustained from a beach umbrella that had impaled her shoulder and exited her back. Thankfully, her condition was reported as stable. According to eyewitnesses, she maintained her composure through the entire procedure, demonstrating a level of calm usually reserved for Buddhist monks or those who have experienced their share of existential crises whilst sunbathing.

Authorities are now left pondering how this bizarre event could occur in the first place. What’s the likelihood of a rogue beach umbrella suddenly seeking revenge for years of neglect and sand entrapment? Officials have not yet determined the precise cause of this airborne umbrella incident, leaving the public to speculate wildly. One lifeguard jokingly suggested that it was simply tired of laying flat on the sand and decided to take a riskier pose—an admirable choice, albeit a poorly thought-out one.

In the aftermath, the fire chief took the opportunity to remind beachgoers about the importance of securely anchoring their umbrella stakes in the sand. As they say, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure—or in this case, a pound of well-positioned sand stakes might save you from post-sandwich piercings. No one wants to be that person walking around the beach with an umbrella handle protruding from their back, adding another layer to the term 'carrying your baggage.'

As the investigation into this incident continues, it serves as a humorous yet cautionary tale of beach safety gone awry. Folks planning their next visit to the shore might want to consider safer alternatives, such as solid shade structures that don’t go rogue during high winds. In an age where weird news abounds, this situation is reminding us all to check our gear—or at the very least, to officially mark ‘lifeguard’ on our resumes with a disclaimer that includes ‘umbrella safety awareness.’

So this summer, as you frolic in the sun, keep an eye on those potentially rebellious umbrellas. You never know when one might have plans of its own. But then again, if a 6-foot umbrella can become airborne and impale a lifeguard, perhaps it’s best to stick to sun hats and sunglasses. Those less likely to engage in unexpected hostile takeovers of personal safety.