In a move that would make even the most hardened Ivy League critic pull out their monocle in scrutiny, Columbia University recently settled a lawsuit with a Jewish student who accused the institution of allowing a hostile environment to fester on campus. Yes, it turns out a prestigious degree isn't the only thing you can earn at Columbia; anxiety and a keen sense for self-preservation come part and parcel too.

The settlement includes a 24/7 walking escort service for students, because who knew navigating an Ivy League campus required the same level of security detail as a dignitary visiting a war zone? Additionally, the school will be offering what can only be described as "safe entrances" to campus—because, apparently, simple doorways are now passé.

In an effort to pacify the troubled waters after various protests erupted like academic Vesuvii, Columbia also instituted a hybrid learning model. Let’s be honest: for those students who couldn't decide if they preferred in-person lectures or the comfort of actually escaping the general hostility of campus, this solution probably felt like winning the educational lottery.

The settlement didn't stop there. Columbia has appointed a 'Safe Passage Liaison.' It may sound like something from a medieval fantasy novel, but this position is meant to manage and coordinate those aforementioned 24/7 safety escorts. Because why not?

The lawsuit stemmed from allegations by an anonymous Jewish student who claimed that pro-Palestinian protesters had essentially turned the campus into a battleground by setting up encampments and occupying buildings. Pro-Palestinian student organizations seem to have been eager to notch up attendance numbers in the name of turning space meant for peaceful academic pursuits into something reminiscent of a medieval siege.

Even Columbia's president, Minouche Shafik, mustered the understatement of the year by acknowledging that many students found the campus atmosphere "intolerable" and committed to making it a safer place for all. Sometimes, it's the little things that count—like not having to worry about stumbling upon an active protest on your way to Econ 101.

Adding another layer to this multilayered cake of discontent, Columbia is currently grappling with lawsuits and investigations from not just Jewish students, but also Palestinian, Arab, and pro-Palestinian students. It's not every day you see such a universally relatable "equal opportunity" form of campus hostility.

Palestine Legal even filed a civil rights complaint with the U.S. Department of Education’s Office for Civil Rights to contest the treatment of Palestinian and pro-Palestinian students. You know it's serious when you bring in the big guns from the Department of Education. Columbia now has not one, not two, but three active Title VI investigations ongoing with the same office.

Not to be outdone, anti-Israel encampments continued forming on Columbia's campus as of late April, even making an appearance during alumni weekend. Because what better way to show the bright-eyed future students attending an open house weekend the real Columbia experience than having them wade through a live protest?

This month’s controversies reached their peak when, surprise surprise, campus agitators got so out of hand that police were called to clear them out. Columbia University racked up a 'D' grade from the Anti-Defamation League for its handling of campus antisemitism. And no, this isn’t a grade you can offset with some extra credit assignments or a well-written term paper.

Through it all, Minouche Shafik stands firm, committed to turning things around to maybe reach that elusive 'C' grade next semester. This represents a Columbia University that perhaps, someday, just someday, will not need 24/7 walking escorts or Safe Passage Liaisons to ensure their students feel safe simply walking to class.

In a world where Ivy League schools are often seen as untouchable sanctuaries of higher learning, Columbia University has at least proven one thing: Sometimes the ivory tower is really a house of cards built atop an active minefield.