In an audacious move to rescue the youth from the treacherous clutches of social media algorithms, New York state is considering a bill that targets how online content is presented to minors. The bill, which appears to have bipartisan support—strange considering it's 2023—proposes a seismic shift in how social media platforms must cater to users under the age of 18.

The centerpiece of the bill is a mandate that social media content for children be displayed in chronological order. That's right, your 15-year-old neighbor, who only uses TikTok to watch videos of cats knocking over flowerpots, would see posts in the old-fashioned manner—straightforward, minute-by-minute, rather than the current Matrix-like algorithm that chooses content based on the whims of some Silicon Valley demigod.

Notably, Democratic New York Governor Kathy Hochul, who might secretly wish she had a time machine to escape the quantum complexities of algorithm-driven feeds, is a major proponent of the bill. She's reportedly on the verge of closing a deal with the New York legislature for its passage. Hochul’s enthusiasm doesn’t stop there; she also supports an accompanying measure that aims to regulate those sneaky, late-night social media notifications by requiring parental consent for any pings between bedtime and breakfast.

The bill, if it passes, will be greeted by cheers from concerned parents everywhere and the collective grumbling of tech industry trade organizations. Representatives from TechNet and the Chamber of Progress have already set up their podiums to decry the legislative attack on algorithmic freedom, warning that it could lead the state not just into chaos, but into the dark ages of the internet—a horrifying prospect for those who believe in the sanctity of curated feeds.

Supporters of the bill argue that unrestricted algorithms are turning young brains into mush. These digital crack pipes, they say, lure our innocent minds into an unending cycle of app-induced dopamine releases that keep them scrolling till kingdom come. Their fervor is partly inspired by Facebook whistleblower Frances Haugen, who revealed the alarming dangers Instagram poses to teen girls—a revelation that seemed to rock the world for all of 15 minutes.

Opponents, rallying to the cry of “Free the Algorithm,” claim the bill is a constitutional affront and could inadvertently amp up exposures to harmful speech by stripping away the very filters designed to protect young users. The First Amendment, it appears, now fights technology battles, too.

Regardless of how you parse it, if the bill goes through, it's not going to be a walk in Central Park. Legal experts forecast a flurry of lawsuits and logistical headaches as enforceability comes into question. Imagine trying to enforce digital age restrictions on the internet, an ecosystem that treats geographic boundaries like an annoying suggestion.

In parallel, there's another measure on the table pushing to safeguard children’s privacy by restricting websites from collecting or sharing the data of users under 18—without a cacophony of parental consent forms, of course. This related proposal complements the dynamo social media bill and has potential to restore some sense of digital privacy for minors who have yet to navigate the labyrinth of GDPR laws in Europe.

State lawmakers are poised to vote on the bill as soon as this week. If you’re a betting individual, note that the legislative session wraps up on Thursday. So it’s crunch time for something that could redefine how Generation Z interacts with the likes of Snapchat and TikTok, platforms as integral to their lives as oxygen and iced lattes.

Interestingly, this swirl of legislative activity channels the energy seen in other states like Arkansas, Florida, and Louisiana. With intense tech industry lobbying, it remains to be seen whether the empire of algorithms will muster enough force to stymie the guardians of chronological order.

Gov. Hochul, speaking to NPR, reassured the anxious masses that the bill aims merely to regulate how content is displayed, not to enact a full-fledged ban on social media usage for young folks. Yes, teens will still be able to post selfies, but they might just not get that dopamine kick at 3 AM—unless, of course, mom and dad approve.

In short, whether you're a fan of nostalgic, chronological feeds or a firm believer in the unfathomable wisdom of algorithms, New York's legislative showdown promises to be far more entertaining than your average TikTok dance compilation.