Charges Dropped Against Paul Pelosi's Attacker; Lawyers Recommend Moving to Reality TV

Charges Dropped Against Paul Pelosi's Attacker; Lawyers Recommend Moving to Reality TV

3 minute read
Published: 6/7/2024

In a twist that could well be the pilot episode of an impossibly dark reality show, a judge has dismissed several state charges against David DePape, the man who bludgeoned Paul Pelosi with a hammer in his San Francisco home in 2022. DePape's defense successfully argued the principle of double jeopardy, meaning you can't be punished twice for the same crime—a rule generally meant to prevent an eternal game of legal whack-a-mole.

The dismissed state charges, which included attempted murder, elder abuse, and assault with a deadly weapon, were overshadowed by DePape's federal convictions. For those, he received a 30-year prison sentence for assaulting a federal official’s family member and attempting to kidnap a federal official. Because apparently, when it comes to assaulting octogenarians with hammers, the feds get first dibs.

But let's back up for context: DePape's attack on Paul Pelosi, which happened just days before the 2022 midterm elections, resulted in Pelosi suffering two head wounds—including a skull fracture—and injuries to his right arm and hand. That’s right, DePape seemingly took inspiration from 90s action films, except without any of the charm or ability to recite catchy one-liners.

Moreover, in the dramatic build-up to his federal trial, DePape admitted that he had planned to hold House Speaker Nancy Pelosi hostage and "break her kneecaps" if she didn’t confess to his accusations regarding "Russiagate." You know, because when you're looking for confessions, nothing beats hostage-taking and medieval punishment methods in your San Francisco home.

With the state charges dropped, DePape will still face a slew of other state charges, including false imprisonment, residential burglary, threatening a family member of a public official, attempting to sway a witness, and aggravated kidnapping. It’s a bit like playing bingo but with a much darker twist. Win five indictments in a row, and you get a one-way ticket to a maximum-security cell.

Oh, and did we mention that DePape, who is a Canadian citizen, will likely be deported back to Canada after completing his federal sentence? One can only speculate about his future job prospects in his home country post-incarceration. Maybe he can become a contestant on "Canada’s Got Accountability," a gripping new reality show where contestants are judged on how well they repent for their past deeds.

The San Francisco Public Defender’s Office confirmed the judge's ruling but chose to remain as tight-lipped as a law school study group on the eve of final exams. Meanwhile, requests for comment from the district attorney's office were met with the digital equivalent of an elevator hold-music loop.

So, as we ponder the carnival of judicial outcomes and surreal scenarios that our modern world affords, one can't help but wonder: if life imitates art, could DePape's bizarre trajectory soon feature its own reality TV spin-off? "Hammer Time: The David DePape Story" does have a ring to it, right?

Indeed, while the rest of us sane individuals remain transfixed on our preferred screen-based melodramas, we now have yet another diverting subplot to add to the fantastic, real-life saga of American jurisprudence. As they say in the business, never let a good narrative go to waste—it might just secure you a primetime slot.

In the interim, here's to hoping the 'Pelosi Hammer' episode is merely a fleeting chapter in the epic scroll of Extraordinary Legal Episodes. After all, even the wildest reality shows have to take a commercial break, eventually.