In a twist that rivals the best of courtroom dramas, the Justice Department (DOJ) has chosen not to prosecute its own boss, Attorney General Merrick Garland, following the House's contempt vote. This decision arrived as a shock to precisely no one, except perhaps the optimistic few still clinging to the idea that bureaucratic accountability could ever outrun political convenience.

The House had held Garland in contempt for not turning over audio recordings from President Joe Biden’s interviews with special counsel Robert Hur, who is investigating classified documents [CNN] [CBS]. Apparently, the expectation was that the DOJ would pursue charges against the man who essentially signs their paychecks. Spoiler alert: they didn’t.

Citing a policy older than some of the coats in Congress's cloakroom, the DOJ reiterated its longstanding position of not prosecuting executive branch officials who refuse to turn over information protected by executive privilege. It turns out this rule is as unyielding as a traffic jam on the Capitol Beltway.

Carlos Felipe Uriarte, the DOJ's official bearer of bureaucratic tidings, communicated this decision in a letter to House Speaker Mike Johnson. Imagine receiving a letter essentially saying, "By the way, nope, not happening. Have a nice day!" [CBS].

President Biden, not one to miss a good executive privilege invocation, did his part by reserving the right to keep the audiotapes of his interviews under wraps [CBS]. It's essentially the presidential equivalent of a 'Get Out of Jail Free' card, yet with far more gravitas and existential questions about the separation of powers.

The kicker? Reports indicate that DOJ staffers celebrated the non-prosecution decision with an "unexpected" pizza party. Yes, because nothing caps off a hard day's work of not indicting your boss like extra cheese and pepperoni. The festive atmosphere was likely a mix of relief and the realization that they can continue clocking in without the shadow of an internal scandal looming over them [CBS].

The DOJ’s decision is rooted in principles enshrined in decades-old legal precedents. They confirmed that when an executive branch official withholds information due to executive privilege, Congress might as well be shaking its fists at clouds. As expected, the House's vote achieved little more than supplying fuel for future grandstanding [CNN] [CBS].

Even amidst all the political theater, Uriarte’s letter was a masterpiece of bureaucratic diplomacy. The DOJ managed to navigate a potentially explosive situation with the finesse of a mime tiptoeing through a minefield [CBS].

In the grand tradition of government agencies, the DOJ leveraged historical precedent to dodge a proverbial bullet. The House, thinking they’d scored a point, were left grumbling over cold cafeteria coffee, while DOJ staff enjoyed the cheesy aftermath of another day at the office [CNN] [CBS].

This episode will undoubtedly go down in the DOJ's internal lore as the day when pizza proved the ultimate comfort food in the face of procedural justice. The House may have held Garland in contempt, but it's clear who had the last laugh—accompanied by a side of garlic knots.