In a dazzling display of modern democracy, CNN has finalized the rules for the first presidential debate of the 2024 election cycle. The face-off between President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump promises to be as thrilling as a high-stakes poker game—only with fewer bluffs (we hope). This grand event is scheduled for June 27 in Atlanta and will be moderated by the network's stalwarts, Jake Tapper and Dana Bash (Fox News, USA Today).

Both Biden and Trump have accepted CNN's invitation to the debate, agreeing to abide by a set of rules so intricate it could have been inspired by an IKEA instruction manual. These rules are meticulously designed to maintain a semblance of civility in what often descends into a rhetorical street fight (Fox News, USA Today).

The Main Event: Biden vs. Trump

But wait, there’s a plot twist. Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the perennial political underdog, could still qualify for this debate. If he garners 15% support in four separate national polls and is on the ballot in enough states to reach 270 electoral college votes, he might get his "Hollywood moment" after all. Currently, Kennedy is on the ballot in six states, capturing a total of 89 potential electoral college votes, and has hit the magical 15% mark in three qualifying polls (Fox News, USA Today).

Strict Ground Rules

The 90-minute verbal showdown will feature two commercial breaks, ideal for refilling snacks and rapidly tweeting your hot takes. During these breaks, candidates will be stuck in debate purgatory, unable to consult with their campaign staff (Fox News).

Candidates are also prohibited from bringing props or pre-written notes into the arena. They will only be equipped with a pen and a pad of paper, making it highly unlikely we'll see any magic tricks or sudden confessions written on cue cards (Fox News).

And for the pièce de résistance: microphones will be muted except during a candidate’s allotted time to speak. This should result in a rare treat—complete sentences from both parties. Podium positions will be decided by a coin flip, adding an element of suspense akin to the Super Bowl kickoff (Fox News).

The Silent Witnesses

Unlike the raucous affairs of yesteryears, this debate will unfold without a live studio audience. By eliminating the immediate feedback loop of cheers and jeers, the debate aims to maintain focus on the intellectual rigor of the candidates’ arguments—assuming there are any. Furthermore, the moderators will wield a variety of tools to enforce timing and decorum, from gentle reminders to perhaps even the dreaded silent eye-roll of disapproval (USA Today).

To Infinity and Beyond

Whether this debate will change the course of the 2024 election or merely serve as high-caliber entertainment remains to be seen. If RFK Jr. manages to snag a spot on the stage, consider it a bonus level in an already intense political video game. In a world where every word, pause, and muted microphone will be examined with the scrutiny of a forensic expert, this debate could set the tone for what's bound to be an unforgettable election season.

Buckle up, folks. This debate is shaping up to be a rollercoaster of epic proportions.

References

Fox News. (2024, June 15). CNN finalizes rules for the first presidential debate of the 2024 election cycle. Retrieved from https://www.foxnews.com/politics/cnn-finalizes-rules-first-presidential-debate-2024-election

USA Today. (2024, June 15). CNN reveals rules for first presidential debate in Atlanta. Retrieved from https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2024/06/15/cnn-finalizes-rules-first-presidential-debate-2024-election