In a move that's sure to raise more eyebrows than a Botox party, former LSU head coach Les Miles has filed a lawsuit against Louisiana State University to reclaim 37 vacated wins. Apparently, these wins are not just crucial for his eligibility for the College Football Hall of Fame, but also seem to be tied to his personal dignity and, presumably, his ability to enjoy breakfast without a side of regret.

Miles' lawsuit also ropes in the NCAA and the National Football Foundation, the latter being the gatekeeper for the College Football Hall of Fame, because why limit your legal offense to just one institution when you can go full blitzkrieg? This blitz is essential for a coach who has spent his career constantly strategizing both on and off the field (USA Today).

At the heart of this drama is an NCAA investigation that found impermissible benefits were provided by a former booster to the father of Vadal Alexander, a former Tigers player. This cozy little arrangement led LSU to vacate the 37 wins, which in turn dropped Miles' career win percentage below the hallowed 60% threshold required for Hall of Fame consideration. Suddenly, the Mad Hatter's coaching credentials were less mad and more sad.

With the vacated wins, Miles' record now stands at 108-73, translating to a 59.7% win rate—a cruel rounding error away from glory. Before this NCAA investigation pulled the rug (and wins) out from under him, Miles was enjoying a far more palatable record of 145-73, basking in the glow of a 66.5% win percentage (USA Today).

Miles' tenure at LSU from 2005 to 2016 was nothing short of storied. He notched two SEC championships and a national championship (Fox News). But now his Hall of Fame aspirations have been sacked by the report which reveals that benefits were inappropriately funneled to the family of Vadal Alexander, who played for LSU from 2012-2015.

Adding a layer of dramatic poignancy, Miles turned 70 and became Hall of Fame eligible last November, a milestone cozier if not for those pesky vacated victories (Fox News). To sprinkle salt into the wound, CBS Sports noted that no Division I school Miles coached for, including Oklahoma State and Kansas, has nominated him for Hall of Fame induction. That’s some cold shoulder, considering the man was practically born with a playbook in hand (Fox News).

However, let’s not underestimate the immutable optimism of a coach who believes a timeout fixes everything. By suing to reinstate the wins, Miles aims to put those vacated victories back on the scoreboard of life—and perhaps regain the ability to enjoy a hearty breakfast. Because, really, who can relish scrambled eggs when their career is still stuck in the penalty box?

Is it a desperate Hail Mary or a legitimate gripe? Well, only time (and the justice system) will tell. For now, let’s add “legal strategist” to Les Miles' already colorful resume.

To sum up, it seems that for Les Miles, 37 wins mean more than just a shot at immortality in the Hall of Fame. They’re also linked to his dignity, pride, and perhaps most importantly, his ability to enjoy breakfast without a bitter aftertaste.