In a move that rivals the size of Fenway Park's Green Monster, Jayson Tatum has inked a $314 million contract with the Boston Celtics, setting a new NBA record and sparking a potential franchise sale.

Breaking the bank faster than you can say 'supermax', Jayson Tatum’s $314 million deal has the Celtics’ accountants questioning their life choices. With Jaylen Brown already pocketing $304 million, the Boston Basketball Partners L.L.C. have decided to cash out faster than Tatum sprinting to the hoop. Look out for the sale sign around 2024, conveniently next to their 18th championship banner!

The Boston Celtics have long been known for their storied history, but their latest move ensures they’ll be remembered for their bank account statements, too. Jayson Tatum's monumental five-year supermax extension worth approximately $314 million has dethroned Jaylen Brown's previous NBA-record of $304 million. Tatum’s deal easily earns him the title of the highest-paid player in NBA history. This sudden surge of supermax contracts has left Celtics’ fans both excited and slightly concerned about the future financial gymnastics required to keep the team competitive.

The implications of this deal stretch beyond just Tatum’s bank account. With the franchise’s ownership group, Boston Basketball Partners L.L.C., planning to sell a majority interest in the team by 2024 or early 2025, and the remaining shares by 2028, the timing raises eyebrows quicker than a Tatum cross-over. Wyc Grousbeck, who led the purchase of the team in 2002, will retain the title of Governor until the final sale in 2028, ensuring some continuity during this transitional phase. Grousbeck is probably the only one in Boston who can sleep soundly knowing that by 2029, Tatum will be earning $71 million in a single season, becoming the league's first $70 million player.

Despite the disorienting figures, the Celtics have clearly been planning for future success. The hefty contracts committed to Tatum and Brown, amounting to over $600 million in salary, suggest a win-now mentality that aligns with their recent NBA championship. The duo led the Celtics to their NBA-record 18th title, clinching victory against the Dallas Mavericks in five games. Fans are hoping that this hefty investment in star players translates to more glittering hardware for the team.

However, the glitter of championship gold comes with a hefty price tag. The Celtics are projected to fork over nearly $200 million just to keep their starting five on the floor in the 2025-26 season. By then, Celtics’ accounting departments might as well be constructing their spreadsheets in iambic pentameter just to add some artistry to the financial chaos. While paying through the nose for talent isn’t a new strategy, Boston’s approach calls for cautious optimism mixed with a side of aspirin for any financial advisor involved.

As Celtics fans digest the magnitude of Tatum’s historic deal, they have plenty to cheer about. The legacy of Boston Basketball Partners L.L.C. under Grousbeck is a mixed cocktail of tradition and triumph. As Tatum continues to soar, Boston's eyes are locked on a future that promises both exhilarating victories and fiscal cliffhangers.

For now, the Celtics nation can bask in the glow of their team’s stellar performance and the Herculean contracts guaranteeing that star players like Tatum and Brown aren’t going anywhere—except maybe to the bank, quite frequently. Boston fans can only hope that their beloved team keeps climbing the championship ladder and continues their winning streak.