In a plot twist straight out of a heist movie, Gregory Acosta Alvarez allegedly broke into an FBI vehicle, swiped explosives and a ballistic vest, then traded them for a mere $20 of methamphetamine.

Gregory Acosta Alvarez's grand larceny scheme could use a few plot adjustments, as he now faces theft charges for raiding an FBI truck filled with thousands of dollars in gear—like flash-bang grenades and a ballistic vest—only to exchange it for a measly $20 worth of meth. The audacious caper, which went down in San Francisco on August 7, has authorities scratching their heads over how an undercover drug deal could go so dramatically wrong, leaving Alvarez in custody and armed only with bad life choices.

The heist began at the unremarkable hour of 12:30 a.m., when the local neighborhood was perhaps too sleepy to anticipate the impending crime spree unfolding just around the corner. Surveillance footage captured Alvarez engaging in what can only be described as an unusual late-night workout, as he pedaled past the unsuspecting FBI truck, dismounted his bicycle, and casually proceeded to break into the vehicle. One can't help but imagine that he was aiming for a 'FBI's greatest hits' compilation, albeit it clearly was not one of his smarter moves.

Upon breaking into the vehicle, Alvarez helped himself to a treasure trove of invaluable tools of the trade. He snatched more than a dozen items, including high-tech surveillance equipment, multiple types of saws, and a remarkably versatile torch kit. This was likely a moment of triumph for Alvarez, especially considering the haul included a box of those delightful flash-bang grenades—a purchase not easily found at your local hardware store. In a further twist of irony, he even grabbed a defibrillator, ensuring his exit plan could be as healthy as it was reckless.

The FBI wasn't left in the dark for long. Mere hours after Alvarez had swiped their gear, a special agent discovered the vehicle’s contents had been ransacked and alerted authorities. The agents, seemingly unfazed by the peculiar burglary, possibly chalked it up to yet another unfortunate day in the life of law enforcement. Their work, however, was only beginning, as they quickly turned their attention to tracking down the errant bike rider who had apparently fancied himself an amateur burglar.

In yet another stroke of questionable luck, Alvarez’s downfall came swiftly. On the very day of the heist, around lunchtime, he made a move even less prudent than robbing an FBI truck: He strolled into the hotel's lobby where he was staying. One would think that after committing a high-profile crime, blending into the background would be the better plan. Not so for Alvarez, who instead opted for a dramatic entrance, drawing suspicion that inevitably led to his arrest.

A search of his hotel room revealed a veritable smorgasbord of stolen loot, including 23 flash-bang grenades that one has to assume were perhaps not intended for home use. Authorities must relish the irony of locating such an arsenal in a location where only a few dubious hotel guests were likely lounging around, contemplating their next move—likely just enjoying the view of the city, rather than gearing up for a water balloon battle gone rogue.

In a heartfelt conversation with law enforcement, Alvarez acknowledged that he had made perhaps the worst trade in recent history, swapping the ballistic vest and gas gun for a mere $20 worth of methamphetamine. This revelation begs the question: did he really think the exchange was worth it? Surely, for someone who went to the effort of breaking into an FBI vehicle, he could have held out for more than a couple of hits of a street drug, which speaks volumes about his decision-making skills.

Alvarez now stands charged with a dizzying array of offenses: burglary, grand theft, possession of stolen property, and drug possession. One can’t envision a judge’s face when considering the sheer absurdity of these charges. It’s not every day that you hear of someone hawking expensive federal gear for a few measly bucks and a small quantity of contraband. Predictably, Alvarez remains in custody without bail, having inadvertently upgraded his life from criminal mastermind to headlining act in the local jail's talent show—should they have one.

As for the FBI, they are presumably preparing to bolster their security measures, perhaps by installing locks with slightly better ratings or replacing bicycle racks with something a bit more intuitive for keeping lawbreakers at bay. As the investigation continues, Gregory Acosta Alvarez serves as a reminder that some criminal pursuits really shouldn’t be attempted—especially when they involve making poor trades that wouldn’t even land you a decent meal at a trendy food truck.