In a heist that took a digestive detour, detectives have recovered four diamond earrings worth $770,000 from suspect Jaythan Gilder, who apparently thought his stomach could serve as a getaway plan.

Gilder's attempt to escape with the shimmering loot was as absurd as it was unsuccessful; after swiping the earrings during a viewing at Tiffany, he ingested his ill-gotten gains in a bizarre bid to evade capture. Now, with a serious robbery charge looming and three earrings recovered from within, he faces a tough lesson in choosing safer hiding spots—preferably ones that don’t require a visit to the emergency room.

The entire escapade began when Gilder, perhaps thinking he was auditioning for some bizarre diamond-heist reality show, entered a Tiffany & Co. store posing as a potential buyer for an unnamed Orlando Magic player. One can only speculate if he thought such high rollers regularly used deceitful tactics or if he simply misjudged the level of interest basketball players have in diamonds that's not fastened to a ring.

After claiming to draw in some jewels for his fictitious celebrity client, the staff graciously escorted him to a VIP room. Diamonds clearly have that effect; they seem to create a sort of magnetism for ambitious thieves, especially ones who dream of high-flying basketball careers while perpetrating gems heists right beneath the staff's glittering noses.

It was here, among the sparkle and shine, that Gilder's big moment arrived—or rather, exploded. As he exhibited his questionable judgment, he lunged from his chair, grabbed the earrings, and made a break for it. In his defense, who wouldn't be excited about a successful theft of bling worth as much as a modest vacation home?

Little did he know that while diamonds may be forever, his time on the lam was about to be cut short. Tracking his getaway vehicle wasn’t rocket science, especially when the police had the license plate from mall security footage. It turned out that a diamond-studded career in crime does have its pitfalls, chief among them being lack of rear lights during a hasty escape, giving officers the ideal excuse to pull him over approximately 340 miles away in Washington County.

It seems Gilder’s escape plan had a fundamental flaw—when swallowed, diamonds aren’t as convenient as cash. While held in custody, he reportedly mused, "I should have thrown them out the window," showing just how far into the realm of absurdity he had ventured. His later inquiry, "Am I going to be charged with what is in my stomach?" hints at a certain level of miscalculation regarding the legal ramifications of swallows. Spoiler alert: yes, Jaythan, yes you will.

Two days after this peculiar ingestion, detectives managed to recover three of the earrings safely, proving that some treasure can indeed be salvaged from one’s stomach—until the final piece emerged, making a triumphant exit from Gilder’s digestive system. It’s akin to a very exclusive, very graphic version of a treasure hunt, but unfortunately for Gilder, the goal was less about finding buried treasure and more about recovering stolen property matching the serial numbers from Tiffany's records.

As the judicial gavel shifts into motion, Gilder now faces serious charges: robbery with a mask and first-degree grand theft. One wonders, amidst the legal proceedings, if there’ll be room for discussion about his unconventional escape route—perhaps a courtroom debate on whether ‘negligence of gut’ qualifies as a mitigating circumstance. Either way, it’s doubtful the jury will be swayed by claims of an upset stomach.

In a world where flashy jewelry often leads to brilliant ideas—or rather ludicrous ones—Jaythan Gilder's ill-conceived heist serves as a strange reminder that crime pays... in a very different way, and not at all in cash. For those considering a career in diamond thievery, let this tale serve as a cautionary note, particularly regarding both the hiding of stolen goods and gastrointestinal health. For Gilder, the only thing he’s likely to 'inherit' from this escapade will be hospital fees and a solid seat on the side of jailhouse legends.