In a breathtaking display of power, Eugenio Suárez became only the 19th player in MLB history to hit four home runs in a single game, yet somehow, his Diamondbacks still found a way to lose.

In a baffling twist of fate, Suárez's record-setting feats placed him in the rare company of baseball legends, yet the Diamondbacks somehow managed to become just the second team ever to lose a game where a player hit four homers. This leaves fans questioning if they should celebrate a historic moment or simply mourn the ongoing saga of 'only in Arizona' sports misadventures.

Suárez's remarkable achievement included solo home runs in the second, sixth, and ninth innings, along with a two-run blast in the fourth. At this point, his bat might as well have had its own gravitational pull. Fans were left wondering what other celestial phenomena would need to occur before the Diamondbacks could convert such fireworks into an actual victory.

The impressive tally brought Suárez's season total to a commanding 10 home runs, officially making him the leading home run hitter in MLB this year. This consistency might just qualify him for a new role as the Diamondbacks' personal cheerleader, provided he can muster enough enthusiasm after today’s events.

Reflecting on his monumental night, Suárez admitted to mixed emotions. "It's just hard to be truly happy about the achievement when the team lost,” he said, encapsulating the fine balance between personal triumph and collective failure. It seems that even as the ball sailed over the fence, the weight of the game lingered like that one friend who can't take a hint to leave the party.

Adding a sprinkle of irony, Suárez’s final home run tied the game at 7-7 in the ninth inning. Visibly exhilarated, fans started to dream of a glorious comeback. Alas, much like an overzealous barbecue lighter, the Diamondbacks fizzled out, and the potential for a dramatic win quickly turned into yet another dreaded 'what could have been' narrative.

The night began somewhat mundanely for Suárez. He started the game with a batting average of just .167, six home runs, and 15 RBIs. It's safe to say he was in a bit of a rut before discovering his inner slugger. Could we chalk this sudden explosion up to a pep talk from his bat? Or perhaps he simply woke up on the right side of the bed? Other players should perhaps take notes from his apparent pre-game routine, which probably includes a secret smoothie recipe that's just the right concoction of banana and ambition.

Meanwhile, Diamondbacks manager Torey Lovullo expressed pride in Suárez's incredible performance, likening his feelings to those of a proud father. "Watching him blast those home runs was like witnessing your kid finally ace a school project—over the moon, but still worrying about the messy kitchen afterward," he might as well have added. Lovullo found a way to balance pride and disbelief, encapsulating the shared experience of so many fans who knew the highs of Suárez's night would be an insufficient consolation for the final score.

In the end, Suárez’s four-home run achievement and the ensuing defeat might just serve as a catalyst for the Diamondbacks to revisit their strategy or perhaps consider adopting a new, less fraught motto. For now, they could settle for, "Let's not be the team that makes history the hard way." As for Suárez, he will forever be remembered not just for his extraordinary performance but for the curious case of turning personal triumph into a communal letdown, a tradition as old as the sport itself.