Earl Henderson Riley IV, 21, is in hot water after allegedly stealing over $300,000 in luxury goods from NFL and NBA stars, proving that even burglars have a taste for high fashion—despite a complete lack of style.

Riley's high-profile heists span multiple states, targeting athlete homes while they were busy winning games, with a laundry list of stolen items including over $6,000 in Louis Vuitton bags and $100,000 worth of watches. His spree has prompted not just a flurry of law enforcement action, but also heightened security alerts from the NFL and NBA, making it clear that while the stars might shine on the field, their homes are now under the spotlight of crime watch.

Beginning in February, Riley’s alleged escapades took a decidedly lavish turn as he reportedly relieved Luis Castillo of more than $6,000 in Louis Vuitton bags. For those keeping score at home, that equates to an unfortunate evenings’ worth of retail therapy for the athlete, who might still be lamenting such an expensive fashion faux pas—all while being forced to consider a career change into bag security.

The audacity didn’t stop there; it appears Riley took a liking to the finer things in life by also raiding Julio Rodriguez's home, where he spiritely whisked away over $194,000 in high-end purses and jewelry. This begs the question: did he intend to wear them or sell them, or was he simply attempting to set a new record as the least likely contestant on a future edition of a fashion makeover show?

In what might be his most brazen act, Riley allegedly pilfered several watches valued at more than $100,000 from the home of Richard Sherman. One can't help but wonder what sort of watch thief appropriates timepieces worth more than most people's down payments on a house, mullet haircut notwithstanding.

The trend of targeting high-profile athlete homes has rapidly escalated across the country, with several professional athletes waking up to discover their luxury lifestyles have come at a price: increased burglaries. The FBI has taken note of this alarming uptick, sending friendly reminders to various sports leagues about crime organizations targeting professional athletes. Apparently, wealth can attract more than just endorsements and sponsorships.

Meanwhile, the NFL and NBA have been working together to issue security alerts after several high-profile players found their possessions missing. With stars like Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce feeling the sting, the leagues have urged athletes to remain vigilant. If nothing else, perhaps a reality check on their security systems is due—after all, even the most expensive athletic gear won’t help when the robber is faster than a punter with a Audemars Piguet on his wrist.

In addition to his burglarious exploits, Riley is also no stranger to legal trouble—it appears his criminal resume includes a pending case for attempting to elude a police vehicle and unlawful possession of a firearm. It seems his approach to crime aligns more with thrill-seeking than hedge funds, though the latter would surely have provided a less risky return on investment.

After a months-long investigation involving six jurisdictions, law enforcement has finally stepped in to curb Riley's flurrying fracas of felonious escapades. He is currently being held in King County Jail on a relatively modest bail of $1 million, with a myriad of potential new roommates ready to share their advice on criminal strategy and general life choices.

As for the next steps, Riley is expected to enter his initial plea during his arraignment on June 16. Observers speculate about the nature of his defense; perhaps he’ll argue that all great thieves have expensive tastes—or maybe he’ll simply plead that nobody warned him to stay away from the wardrobes of extraordinarily wealthy athletes.

Until then, professional athletes remain on high alert, ready to safeguard their treasures, some of which may border on ostentatious but are, nonetheless, their own. For every stolen purse and watch, there’s an astounding tale of athletic prowess that is now paired with an anecdote about burglary. While this story wraps up, one can only imagine how many dapper thieves it will take in the future to rattle their bespoke tailoring.