Costco shoppers are facing a cheesy conundrum. The retail giant announced a recall of Tillamook Colby Jack and Monterey Jack cheese slices, citing potential contamination with gray and black plastic pieces. This announcement has left customers wondering if plastic is now a trendy new ingredient in artisanal cheeses—or just a packaging snafu. Spoiler alert: it’s the latter.

The recall affects those hefty 32-ounce packages of Tillamook cheese, suggesting that for some, plastic parts may now be colloquially known as "texture enhancers." The contamination impacts cheese slices with a “best by” date of October 22, 2024, giving cheese lovers over a year to contemplate their dairy dystopia.

For those who fancy geography with their grocery updates, the affected products were sold at Costco stores in the Northwest region, including Washington, Oregon, Northern California, Montana, and Idaho. Evidently, it was a more localized mishap, so if you're on the East Coast, feel free to brag about your plastic-free fromage. Midwest residents, you may now officially title yourselves, “plausibly plastic-free.”

Customers who open their Tillamook packages and discover that they double as a mixed-media art project can breathe a sigh of relief. The risk is minimal if you've already consumed the product without issue (and without chewing more than usual). In a reassuring twist, Tillamook has stated that no action is needed from those who have swallowed their cheese sans surprise.

But for those who have yet to take the plunge into this potential plastic cheese, returning it to Costco for a full refund sounds like the move of the day. And for those who consider returning items a Herculean task, just remember: it’s either a quick Costco trip, or you might be adding “grated plastic” to your dinner recipes.

The recall notice also includes handy contact information for customers with questions: you can dial 855-562-35683 or email hello@tillamook.com. We presume the folks on the other end are well-prepared to handle questions with a straight face, though you could start the conversation with, “Is this the cheese-with-plastic hotline?”

It was Mike Bever, the Executive Vice President of the Tillamook County Creamery Association, who issued the recall letter. We’re pretty sure his usual correspondence is far more gouda-tastic and less fraught with phrases that make one think of sandwich mishaps.

So, remember, if you’re in Washington, Oregon, Northern California, Montana, or Idaho, and possess the affected cheese, just take it back to Costco. Meanwhile, the rest of us will keep an eye out for any uninvited plastic friends in our groceries. As for Tillamook, they'll be there to pick up the pieces—literally and figuratively.