In a plot twist worthy of a political thriller, the House Ethics Committee has secretly decided to release its report on former Rep. Matt Gaetz, detailing allegations of sexual misconduct and illicit drug use that even he calls a witch-hunt.

The unprecedented decision to unveil the long-simmering report comes after months of Gaetz dismissing the investigation as a politically motivated attack, despite its serious implications which include disturbing allegations of sexual misconduct and drug use. With the House poised for the final votes of the year, this clandestine effort might be the only thing more shocking than the contents of the report itself—unless, of course, Gaetz manages to blame a few witches along the way.

For the uninitiated, the House Ethics Committee has occasionally released reports on former members. However, it seems Gaetz's antics have catalyzed a rare exception to this rule. Investigating principle aside, the decision hints at the contentious nature of the allegations against Gaetz, which include claims of sexual contact with a minor. Quite the resume addition, one might say—assuming one is looking at a resume for a horror film.

Dating back to November, the Ethics Committee initially voted along party lines against releasing the report, a decision steeped in tradition—much like the family recipe for pot roast, but perhaps a great deal messier. That’s not to say political maneuvering doesn’t have its own time-honored conventions. House Speaker Mike Johnson was notably against releasing the findings, suggesting it breached rules and traditions of the committee. Poor traditions—left hanging by their fingertips between scandal and decorum.

The report’s release is set against the backdrop of Gaetz resigning from Congress on November 13, coinciding coincidentally with Trump announcing him as his nominee for attorney general. One can’t help but wonder if this was strategic foresight or just Gaetz’s splendid grasp of timing, much like that friend who leaves the party right before the cops arrive. For someone searching for redemption, this timing might not exactly inspire confidence.

As the House prepares to wrap up for the year, the anticipation surrounding the report is palpable. While most people would await a grand finale in a season finale, the rest of us are more intrigued by what exactly transpired behind the curtain of congressional intrigue. According to insiders, the Ethics report is expected to go public right after final House votes are cast. So much for the usual order of business—maybe they should’ve kept the lights dimmer while the ethics drama played out.

Meanwhile, Gaetz has been vociferous in denying all allegations. He seems to hold steadfast to his idea of a world where accusations are simply shadows cast by political rivals, stating that the Justice Department was also unconvinced of any need to pursue charges against him. So perhaps he thinks he should win an award for 'Best Political Survivor,' dodging accusations like others dodge phone calls from their parents.

The outlined allegations are significant: from accusations of paying for sex to suggestions that he might have dabbled with illicit substances while having altogether dubious encounters. One could argue that if Gaetz is interested in PR, he should engage Brad Pitt in a potential ‘Stranger than Fiction’ narrative—not to mention perhaps invest in a good publicist who specializes in counsel for the morally flexible. If nothing else, there's certainly a niche market there.

Ultimately, the Ethics Committee’s decision places Gaetz on the precipice of an uncomfortable spotlight where any chance of riding off into the sunset gets muddied by pouring rain and unwelcome revelations. It’s a delicate dance, akin to sipping coffee in a room with breakables everywhere—one wrong move and the situation simply shatters. Gaetz has vigorously denied all the allegations and has characterized the investigation as a witch-hunt.

As we await the full details of the forthcoming report, let us hope that any revelations bring forth not just the enduring drama to Capitol Hill, but also remind us of the consequences when the line between service and spectacle becomes happily blurred. The stakes might be higher than the blood pressure of the committee members as they attempt to sift through the realities of this political fracas, leading us into the next political scandal season. If nothing else, there will be no lack of popcorn.